How to Support Someone Navigating Infertility
I want to preface this blog post by saying that similarly to pregnancy, everyone’s experience with infertility will be different. With that this is to help guide you in a direction if you are a friend or family member of someone who is navigating infertility, and you are unsure of the best way to communicate or support them. There is no playbook on the best way to support someone handing infertility or pregnancy loss, but there are some things that help. Infertility can be extremely difficult to talk about even with your closest friends and family, so please give them grace and time.
Infertility has grief that is so unique and can become overwhelming. It involves chronic uncertainty, anxiety, depression, self-blame, and feeling afraid to be hopeful. This is why connection and community with people who are safe is so important for the individual and couple that is navigating infertility. This journey can feel incredibly isolating, especially as they enter pregnancy going through this process.
If you are wanting to learn more about infertility and what your loved one might be experiencing you can go to Resolve The National Infertility Association where they have an “Infertility 101” section that is extremely helpful. I think it is also important to highlight how 10-15% of couples can’t achieve pregnancy within the first year of trying. Not all couples or individuals will be open with their infertility journey, you may have family or friends who have gone through this and don’t talk about it. And that’s okay.
One of the biggest reasons that people don’t talk to their closest friends and family about their struggles with infertility is because, sometimes without realizing it, a comment can come off as a “helpful” suggestion that can feel insensitive during a time where everything can be extremely overwhelming.
What Not to Say:
Try not to give advice – the person who is going through infertility is probably already getting overwhelmed by advice and instructions from doctors and other medical professionals. They might also be doing their own research, so having more added to their plate without asking for it might feel too much.
Try to avoid comments like:
Why don’t you adopt?
Have you considered IVF?
Maybe if you do… it will help
It’s in God’s hands, or trust the universe, or anything related to the universe or higher power.
Don’t ask about the cause or causes of infertility or miscarriage – if someone is ready to share, they will in time on their own.
Don’t ignore it or pretend that it didn’t happen – these are not easy conversations to have, but avoiding the topic all together can make someone feel like you aren’t supportive.
Even if you are curious, do not ask if someone is pregnant yet – again they will tell you when they are ready and feel comfortable.
Some Things to Say to a Friend or Family Member:
I’m here for you if you need to vent, cry or need support
That sounds so hard, thank you for sharing with me. I’m honored to hold this with you and can whenever you need it.
That sucks. I love you and I’m here for you in any way that I can.
Your fears are valid, and your emotions are valid. It makes sense you feel this way.
If you ever want a distraction, help or company I’m around for you.
This all sounds heavy, if there is any way I can help lighten your load emotionally or physically I’m here.
That’s a lot to carry. If you’re ok with talking about it, how are you doing?
I may not understand what you’re going through, but I’m happy to listen whenever you need it.
It’s okay to feel all of your feelings and if you don’t want to do that alone, I can come and sit with you.
Finally, a “I’m thinking of you” text is always nice to receive.
Being there for a friend or family member who is struggling with infertility is something they will appreciate. Knowing that there is someone in their back court to support them is so helpful. Infertility is heavy and filled with so much grief, knowing there is love around them as they are in that phase of life is more helpful than you think.
And if you yourself are dealing with the high emotions of infertility and are wanting more support feel free to reach out for a free fifteen minute consultation.
